Weightless

Don't you lose who you are every now and then?
I think those cracked cobble steps under your feet are straining from the weight that's on your mind ...

Me? I'm feeling weightless again -
don't see what i have left to gain

you think you understand, but no -
not til you let go of the hand you hold every time you cross the road
cause you'll float away then, and maybe like me,
you'll feel weightless again
and you'll have nothing left to gain
you all told me to meditate with you in a room full of people and my soul tore.
because i thought i was incapable.
i thought the ground was unescapable.

the brother i made
described it to me
and together we realised that neither of us
had seen through your eyes, or you, ours

unknowingly, our lives were what you sought
and the antonym of us was what you fought
to escape when you tried to meditate with thought
or without. and my doubt is cast out now

rambling about my body that's weightless again

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular
Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all.There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”


- Chuck Palahniuk

Prison or Paradise

"Art is the only way to run away
without leaving home."
-- Twyla Tharp

Everybody wants to leave.

Doesn't matter if it's prison or paradise --
the only ones who don't have grown accustomed to stagnation

we all thrive on change

I get it

Found an interesting poem sitting on a corner, forgotten about. Not sure of the original written date, though it's a 2009'er -- anyways here's a digital publication:

You taught me how to care again

and later to not care so much

cause now i'm learning the difference

between relationships and fucks and i'd

just as soon be the heavy gasper 'neath

your sheets than the one who waits

 for weeks for you to call; a heart

with growing empty walls as memories

are fading dim and you are only the "him"

we all despise --the asshole filled with

lies, deceit-- but now at least i understand

why i'm better off; best be used by my own

hand, or should i fall to deceit? Seems

everyone's better off when we all cheat. 

Art - neither created nor destroyed it only changes forms ...

"He who approaches the temple of the Muses

without inspiration in the belief that craftsmanship
alone suffices will remain a bungler and his
presumptuous poetry will be obscured by the songs
of the maniacs"

Plato

Intoxicating and complicated / I miss you

If we lived in paradise, where would we go on holidays?

My biggest problem in making a decision in May of 2010.

"Maybe people have to really suffer 

before they can risk doing what they love"

-- Peter Wilmot, "Diary" by Chuck Palahniuk

Maybe I'm not allowed to do anything important yet. Maybe I won't be able to do anything with real love yet.

How do I learn to suffer? Everything is a lesson is it not? Every problem comes with a gift in its hands?

It's a kind of sweet home-spun immortality

"If emotion can create a physical action,

then duplicating it can re-create the emotion"

Angel Delaporte, "Diary" by Chuck Palahniuk

Type out these words - type them out at a speed of 35 wpm with your pinky fingers on the A and '/" keys and your index fingers on the F and J. Type them out with care and avoid capitalizing any I's to self-deprecate.

As you recreate my past, feel yourself travel to a seat at a desk in a basement at a house on Very Off Road in a truck-stop town with a McDonald's, an A & W, a highschool and two banks. 

Can you feel my slow relaxed intake of cool island air as I leave my phone upstairs on an old yellow dresser because its bars of reception are few and far between, like my worries?

Island life. Where I go away to, to get away.

"Tiredness, sadness, weakness, stupidity" ... Symptoms.

Sounds like everyone I've met has lead poisoning.

 

the curious trait of jealousy

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

I've often failed to see the value of some character traits ... Usually ones I posess. I'd love to hear someone tell me why they are good, because for the life of me, I think they are some of the least valuable and most annoying things about myself. For instance, jealousy. What is the value of jealousy? I'm not particularly religious, but that's a sin if I ever thought of one. Not jealous in the hands of simplicit, day-to-day life, "I wish I had this, because so-and-so's got that". No no no. That erksome "I'm-going-out-with-this-boy-and-I-love-him-so-don't-even-fucking-think-you-have-a-shot" type of jealousy. Not to worry, it's dissipated quite a bit in the last year or so. But unfortunately (I think) it only seems to dissipate at the same value that my belief in love dissipates. If I can completely erradicate my issues of jealousy, will I have also gotten rid of my ability to love in the manner of true consummate love?